My September 11th experience

As a child in elementary school, I remember watching live as the Challenger space shuttle exploded in mid air. It was shocking and sad, yes; but looking back (and without cheating & Googling it) I can't even tell you what year it was, what I was wearing, or how it effected me 10 years later.

I also remember learning about JFK's assassination in school - every teacher could tell you exactly what they were doing that day. My parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, neighbors - all could recall that day in clear detail. I saw the pictures, watched the videos, and listened to the memories of that horrific day; it was sad, but I couldn't really "get" it, not having lived it.

September 11, 2001 is my JFK. I remember every hour of that day in vivid detail. Getting ready for work at 5:55 AM, I turned on the news to check out the morning traffic. Every channel I turned to was showing footage of a smoking building. Shit. Traffic is going to f**king suck....assuming it was another fire on Jamboree Rd. Then I started reading what was scrolling across the bottom of the screen. A plane crashed into one of the World Trade Center towers in New York? Crazy. As I sat watching the footage, I saw the second plane hit the South tower. WHAT THE HELL? My next door neighbor banged on my front door, "We're under attack!" My parents were in Las Vegas visiting my brother and sister, it was early, but I called anyway. "Daddy? Are you watching? What's happening?" Then a thought jumped in my head...my cousin  had just gotten married on Friday...his brother had flown in from Manhattan for the wedding...when was he going back? Was he ok? My dad said he was going to call my uncle and find out. (He was fine, still in California). Told me not to worry, he would call some of his military friends and find out what was going on. I couldn't tear myself away from the TV. The reporter comes on - a third plane hit the Pentagon. The footage of the burning towers is awful - I can see people jumping from the buildings. A mass of people head for the Brooklyn Bridge. The South tower collapses before my eyes - I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I called my boyfriend (now husband), he'd already left for work. I forced myself to leave for work, listening to AM talk radio for any updates. The DJ said that there were still 8 planes missing. Flight 93 crashes into a field in Pennsylvania. What is happening?? People in traffic looked made eye contact, quizzical looks on their faces; as if saying, "Are you listening to this?" While driving to work, the North tower collapsed. I got to work, and people were in shock, crying, hugging each other. We turned on the TV in the break room, not even thinking about working. We watch as the Pentagon collapses. President Bush is safe on Air Force One. I was not a Bush supporter, but I remember being so grateful that he was safe. Everything is fine as long as the President is fine. A guy shows up to work with a box of donuts, "What's up guys?" He had no idea what was going on...hadn't watched TV or listened to the radio. Watching his expression change from goofy to horrified was surreal...this must be what I look like, I thought. I trudged through the day in a daze, my mind reeling. What is going on? Am I safe? How could this happen? The bosses let us go early that day, to go home to our families. I spent hours as a TV zombie...I couldn't tear myself away from the news. The fires were still going strong. Tower 7 collapsed. Thousands dead. Thousands?? Survivors wandering the streets, coated in ash and blood. Papers falling from the sky. Pictures of missing loved ones. Horrifically twisted metal. Chunks of concrete. Shattered glass. I still can't get these visions out of my head.

Years later, my husband and I visited ground zero during a trip to New Jersey. It was surreal. It was eerily quiet and still, the air felt thick, a weight pressing down on me. A huge, empty space in the middle of Manhattan.

Ten years have passed, and one thing hasn't change. I WILL NEVER FORGET.

Turning 35 as a childless freak

I turned 35 today. The earth was not swallowed by a black hole, I was not struck down by a bolt of lightning, and I didn't wake up with a head full of gray hair. And NO, I didn't expire!

If I thought I had a hard time when I turned 30, I DREADED turning 35. I know that in the scheme of things, 35 is not that old...but in terms of life span, my life is pretty much half over! I can't help but feel a little underwhelmed, and overwhelmed at the same time.

Underwhelmed...this is it? This is my life?

Overwhelmed...I have so much left to do! I haven't accomplished even a fraction of what I intended to accomplish by this age. I saw myself married, with a brood of kids - remember my 18 year plan??? - a happy housewife with a happy husband and a bunch of happy kids....with my 5th or 6th novel, best seller of course; on its way to production. Well, I AM married! Dear husband is a wonderful man...my soulmate, if such things exist. I love him indescribably, and he is the reason I am able to get out of bed on most days, when the depression is a physical pain - not just a mental pain.

I think the main reason I'm having such a hard time with this turning 35 business is due to my fertility issues. I'm now in the "Advanced Maternal Age" category. Our struggles will only get harder from here....any pregnancy is automatically high risk...risk of a baby with chromosomal defects goes to 1:400 My eggs, if I have any left, are now dusty...coughing and sputtering like a '75 Mustang! All of this because I didn't have a baby in my 20's? Or even early 30's????

I've been trying to maintain a healthy level of sanity as this dark day doomed on my horizon. I've been thinking of my friends, and how gracefully (or at least not maniacally) they turned 35. And for some, then 40. 45. Even a few in their 50's. I've been visualizing their grace, and trying to use it as an example for how I should act. But then again...here we come, full circle. The reason for their happiness? KIDS. Kinda hard to be upset about getting older and having dusty eggs when you're already blessed with kids! Advanced Maternal Age doesn't apply to already-moms, no, that's another pain reserved for us barren semi-women! I've had clueless moms say things to me like, "You're 34 and have no kids? What do you do with your time, you must be so relaxed on the weekends!"  Yep, that's me. Mrs. Relaxed...cool as a cucumber.

It's almost midnight, and I've survived this day! Whew...I can breathe! NOW...to make it through the next 365 days...

What is wrong with me??

Can it be? Has the pixxiee really been silenced? (Not if you ask Mr. Pixxiee!)

I can't believe that it has been about 3 months since I've posted anything. Hmmm, looks I need to do some scouring of the interwebs to find something that pisses me off.

Surprise!

So i went to a Toyota dealership today to have my car inspected for the recall thingy and to get an oil change. At the end of my two hour visit, I ran to the potty before I left...on the way to the potty I found this mysterious thing on the wall. I'm a curious little kitty, so you know I was intrigued! I stared at it for a minute to see if a big boxing glove was gonna come out and punch me in the face...then a lady came out of the bathroom and stared at it too. We looked at each other and giggled..."Open it!" "No, you open it!" She asked me if I knew what was in it, and here were the first four thoughts that popped into my head:

1. A set of keys to a 2010 FJ Cruiser, thank you baby Jesus!
2. It's a glory hole for the guy with the highest sales last week
3. It's where they keep the gun in case they get robbed. (This theory has some holes in it though. If they're being robbed, who wants to be the jerk to yell, SURPRISE!)
4. Maybe it's where they keep their pens, highlighters, and post-it's..."supplies" (Okay, at work I'm one of three people who speaks English at a Korean bank folks...don't hate!)

Unfortunately, those four things popped out of my mouth too, and the lady laughed so hard she spilled her coffee. (Why she took a cup of coffee into the potty I'll never know. I just hope it WAS coffee, and not a specimen of some sort.)

And did I try to open it, you ask? You bet...it was locked.

Rhymes with "hunt"

Well, well, well. So society has shamed Tiger Woods into believing that he owes us an apology. He doesn't owe US anything.

There is ONE, and ONLY ONE person involved in this fiasco that deserves an apology...and that is his wife. Okay, make it three people...his kids deserve an apology too, or at least they will when they get old enough to understand what their father did.

So Tiger Woods mistress Joslyn James would like an apology, and has hired uber attorney Gloria Allred. She also states that she didn't intend to hurt Tiger's wife and kids...that she loved Tiger, and didn't "sign up for a game." Seriously?


These women that Tiger cheated with would like the public to think they are victims. What do you expect when you screw with a married man? Doesn't every mistress think that they are the one that will cause the man to leave his wife? Please.

There is a word I am thinking of to describe Joslyn James and the fellow home-wrecking crew. It is a nasty, degrading word that will get the hackles up on women everywhere. Women don't like this word. I don't like this word. It's saved for occasions when 'bitch' or 'whore' just don't fit....and it rhymes with 'hunt.'

Scary Ghost-Demon

I'm a complete goober. 

I'm doing my homework and keep hearing this weird low kind of moaning noise coming from my right. After about 15 minutes I start to freak out...is it a ghost? A demon? I lift my feet up, cause you KNOW demons and ghosts eat feet, hold my breath, mute the TV...yep, that noise is still there. As I get up to find some sort of ghost-demon weapon, I step on my poor cat Apu...who was on the floor to my right, zonked out, snoring. Sorry baby!

 

Dear Vanity Fair

Dear Vanity Fair,

Your cover of the 2010 Hollywood issue is quite striking. You have chosen several actresses that are interchangeable. They are all ghostly pale...whiter than a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snow storm, and appear to weigh no more than 100 pounds. The only diversity you have chosen is hair color.

What is so concerning about this issue is that this was not a last minute decision. We all know that a board-room full of people pored over these pictures for weeks before this went to press. Did not even one person notice that the pictures lacked diversity?

I've compiled a short list of young actresses omitted from the Hollywood issue, who also have fresh faces and bright futures:

* Zoe Saldana - Zoe is a drop dead gorgeous actress who has been overlooked for years. I KNOW you've heard of Avatar, Star Trek, Pirates of the Caribbean and Center Stage.

*Rashida Jones - Rashida is another gorgeous actress. Parks and Recreation, I Love You Man...need I say more? And this should make you happy...her mother is white!

* Gabourey Sidibe - Gabourey is a beautiful, curvy new actress. Her breakout performance in Precious was amazing soul-crushing, heart-breaking. I, along with millions of others, can't wait to see what else she has to offer.

* Raven Symone - Raven is another beautiful, curvy actress who serves as a role model to many American kids. She oozes positivity, and has been acting since she was a toddler.

It is 2010 Vanity Fair, we have a black President. Isn't it time you represent all of America?