Letting go of past hurts / Speaking up and out

Namaste!

I’m still walking along on my journey to Buddhism. One of the things I’m having a hard time with on my path to enlightenment is letting go of past hurts. My teacher has drilled it into my head that we all suffer, and to let it go. So here I am, letting go!

December 8th was my 10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF FREEDOM! It was exactly 10 years that I ended an abusive relationship. I have kept the level of abuse hidden from my friends and family for 10 years. It has been a poison coursing through my veins and eating away at me for so long. There are times when I’m with my girlfriends or sisters and I want to just blurt it out! People always ask me why I look mad or sad…it’s because I’ve been to hell and back! The only person who knows the whole truth is my hubby, Dennis. (It’s hard to keep secrets when you have nightmares and talk in your sleep!) I put up with mental, verbal, and sexual abuse for far too long. Many times I wanted, and tried, to walk away, but ended up going back. The night that ended it all was the night he beat the shit out of me. Looking into the eyes of someone you love as they sit on your chest choking you truly is the stuff nightmares are made of. I fought back, and walked away for good. That bastard got away with what he did to me because of fear of retaliation if I went to the police.

I think the reason I am still plagued with these poisonous thoughts and nightmares is because I feel like I never really had closure. Yes, I know I walked away, so technically, that is closure. But I never got to tell him what a little-dick, lousy lay, ignorant, dumb fuck, piece of shit he is. I have no idea where he is now, and I don’t care, but I hope it’s in an 8’x8’ prison cell where he enjoys a nightly ass-raping by his roommate, Bubba. (Yeah, I’m not a full on Buddhist yet, so it’s ok that I just said all that!!)

WHEW! I feel SO MUCH better!!

I’d like to thank Dennis for being such a WONDERFUL, CARING, SUPPORTIVE, husband. Love you, you’re the best!