My dream job

I'm looking for a job...are you hiring? Here's a list of my attributes:

*15 years Banking/Lending experience
*Bonded & Insured Notary Public 
*Want to be a writer
*Going to school for AS in Paralegal Studies
*Funny
*Sarcastic
*Hungover on Monday mornings...sometimes
*Several tattoos...want more
*Can play a mean Guitar Hero
*Free of infectious diseases

If your company is located in the Los Angeles area,  and is looking to hire an office goddess, give me a ring a ding ding!